he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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