yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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