Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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