I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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