I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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