woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel great
I just peed on a car
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize