My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
