I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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