and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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