Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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