We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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