I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
