Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
