Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
