Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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