It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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