Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
