Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
