You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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