She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
