If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
