i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
