No awkward lesbian experiences without me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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