I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
