And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
