Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
His nipple licking is glorious
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