I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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