I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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