I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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