His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
