I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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