dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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