I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
