Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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