Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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