I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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