Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
