im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
