your thong is hanging out like whoa
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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