he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
