also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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