3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Randomize
