FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
