I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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