at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize