Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We were destined to go to rehab together
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
