We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
