i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's never too late to be topless.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
