Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
