wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
