my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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