People in love make me want to vomit
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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