lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
