mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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