I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Two words: nipple clamps
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