I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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