FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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