my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
