my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
