I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
