I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
