redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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