I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
