hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
